Thursday, December 20, 2012

Annie’s Challenge: Cancer vs. Christmas

During the last 6-8 weeks, my cancer meds have changed to two kinds of oral chemo pills and my body has transformed into the worst state it has ever been. I feel as though I’ve been fighting a mental and physical war. I have experienced crippling body and soul punches where I feel as though my days are numbered, and this could very well be my last Christmas. I wobble around like a bloated drunk, not feeling balanced, with numb, cracked fingers and feet and little red spots all over my body. I have to walk and climb stairs very slowly because I have no muscle tone in my legs. Quite simply, I am a train wreck. Quite frankly, I am barely hanging on mentally because slowing down is not what I do.

However, all is not lost on me. Even during this physical and mental anguish, I have experienced  over-powering, blissful moments, where I can’t stop smiling, or my eyes tear with joy, knowing that life is still with me. Knowing that God continues to put breath in my lungs and blesses me with so many wonderful experiences – I somehow carry on. Here are some of these moments I treasure:
·         A spontaneous hug from Jake

·         Chris holding my hand to steady me, help me get up when I fall, getting me to walk the dogs at night.

·         Driving on a short trip, by myself, with the windows down, listening to my favorite station on Sirius – the coffee house

·         Waking up in the Valley, putting on my forever lazy,  and drinking coffee while everyone sleeps

·         Hearing my girls laugh at their dance videos and seeing they are growing up so confident and smart

·         Date nights.

·         Getting together with any and all family and friends when I have the energy to do so

·         Cooking something new that turns out to be delicious

·         Finding the best Christmas Tree ever, chopping it down and decorating it with my kids

So with Christmas upon me, one of my favorite times of year– I am trying to find ways to get over my body aches and pains, and focus on the blissful moments. It IS Cancer vs. Christmas right now for me. There is so much to be done and what little time and energy I have seems overwhelming. My brain, with it’s FIVE tumors a blazing, never seems to shut off with lists of things I need to do and the overpowering need to do it all myself. I drive my family crazy, I know. Relaxing is out of the question.

I have a Drs Appointment tomorrow where I will get my PET/CT results, brain MRI update and who knows what kind of news. I give up even guessing what’s next for me.

Cancer vs. Christmas – I really want Christmas to be the winner – to be the best – to help me forget for a few moments that I am not sick, I am not a mess, I am still here and there will be more wonderful moments.

Love to you all.